It's nearly freezing outside. It is about as cold as it's going to get in the beginning of a north Texas winter. It snowed for about an hour which is close to a miracle in this area.
I'm restless. Heartbroken. Tired of everything.
I change into my running clothes. Leggings, long socks, my old Nike shorts and a white long-sleeved t-shirt. I slip on my shoes and a headband to cover my ears and keep my short hair out of my face. I put my ear buds in my ears and start my workout jam. I usually walk for a little bit just to get myself going, but today it's too cold for my to just walk, so I immediately start jogging. Nothing too fast but just right and I feel great about it, though it almost seems to make it more cold because I'm creating a little wind. I immediately regret wearing my white shirt as my nipples stick straight out, but if I go back inside to change, I won't want to come back out, so I just suck it up. I don't want to think or deal with anything right now. I just want to run. Far away. I must keep running because it's so cold. If I stop, my muscles will tense up and get cold and I won't be able to make it home. So I just run. My fingers are freezing; my nose is starting to run; I can't feel my toes. I feel nothing but the cold around me and it feels great. I know I can't stop so I just keep going and focus on the cold I feel. I can't decide if my toes are frozen or not, I can't feel them and I'm just hoping they will still keep working so I don't fall over. I am ususally a wimp and when I get tired, I just stop. But today is different. I know I must not stop because if I do it will be twice as cold and I may not make it home. Somehow that is all I need. But I'm not quite sure I really care to make it back home. I've gone farther and logner than I have in a long time and I'm feeling great. I want it to last forever.
I want to be in this moment forever, where I can't feel any emotions but just my body. The movement of my legs and the feeling of my feet hitting the ground, with each motion, nothing else seems to matter. It all melts away and I am just running, starting to put myself back together with every step I take. Every breath reaches down to my toes. I can feel every muscle that contracts with every move I make. Gradually, I start to get a little warmer, but the cold still penetrates to the bone. But I don't care because at this moment, I can feel nothing but the cold which is a refreshing relief from the constant emotional anguish I have felt for the last month. I am in this place, a world of my own, where the sun is starting to shine through again.
The cold numbs my mind so I am just my body and my movements right now. My breathing has soothed my broken heart, at least for a while. Everything looks as it should on a freezing cold day, slightly lifeless but teeming with anticipation of what is yet to come. In spite of the lifelessness and eerie calm surrounding me, I see beauty everywhere, and I feel as if I am the only one in the world. I see no one on my run. No cars drive by me. I don't think I am that crazy, but no one else has ventured a step outside their cozy houses. It is as if the world was consipiring to let me have it solely to myself for that hour. As if the world knows my needs better than I do.
The time has gone too quickly, and before I know it I am headed up the hil around the corner from my house. I cerish that hill and the change in breathing it gives me, making me feel even more alive. I come round the corner and have this sense of accomplishment. I feel like part of me was put back together in that hour, but expertly sutured so that the scar will be minimal unlike my other scars that are blatantly obvious. At the same time, I dread opening the front door and walking in to face the world again. I would love to keep running. I am still not strong enough. But I must do it anyway, so I open the door.
